Bringing all of me, to my work
For several years now I have tried to narrow my painting focus and find congruence in my work, despite it not feeling terribly comfortable and a little boring. This has been in response to comparing my “painting” output to other artists work, especially those represented in galleries or holding solo shows and those on Instagram. I see paintings which are clearly by the same artist, often the same size canvas, framed in the same way and colour. I assumed that this is what I must do, to become successful and be seen as “professional”.
I remember the first Art Trail I did around 12 years ago where I basically hung everything I had made in the previous 5 years, and there was little congruence. I could see the work of at least 3 painters (all versions of me) and that didn’t include my other creative projects such as “Text on Toast” (see image below). I sold a lot of work in that exhibition and it was clear that due to my “eclecticism”, my work appealed to a broad range of people – there was something for everyone. However, as worked with my mentor, I aimed for more congruence in my work and narrow my funnel if you like! And after 10 years of mentoring and lots of development spurts, in recent years I can see some congruence and I can see “Jen” in most of my work – the pallet of colours, the softness, the melancholy etc.
I haven’t written on toast in years and for several years have resisted the urge to just create something that seems to urgently want to come from my head/heart/hands, because that’s not the way that art is formally taught. On MA’s programmes it seems that you have an idea/enquiry/something you want to explore, you research it, make sketches or find starting points, analyse your process, make studies, write about the work, plan usually larger work, make a congruent project, frame it, exhibit bla, bla bla. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen remarkable work produced this way, but I have also seen remarkable work produced in minutes or from an urge that produces something completely different to the “usual” work. If you see through the curation process, where we are given a usually manicured, sculpted, scripted view of an artists work, you can see much, much more diversity and spontaneity. Curation is a creative process in itself and I love seeing it in action, but often it gives the world a one sided view of the artist or at best, an ordered version of their diversity! It often mis-represents the messy, creative process, mystifying and professionalising “making” too.
Last week I visited the Jean Dubuffet exhibition, currently on at the Barbican. I had a lovely myth busting, inspiring day which seems to have given me permission to reclaim my disparate parts. And this is very necessary if I am to move forward. In trying to funnel, select and play the “MA game” which is actually very similar to the “GCSE and A’level art game”, I feel I have lost energy and vitality. I need to allow myself to make toast art or develop my Barbie doll project!
The Dubuffet exhibition left me with a great surge of support which included:
- He didn’t commit to painting fully until his 40s. Before this he was a wine trader and gave up painting many times
- He embraced his diversity and weird sense of curiosity in the world and others
- He responded to emergent ideas such as collaging butterfly wings in what could be seen as a quite decorative way
I could go on, but of course it would have become easier to embrace his full self, once he was well known and his work was selling. It becomes “oh Dubuffet has a new exhibition, lets acquire a new piece of his genius (even if it is nothing like he produced before)”. And of course, he was working in the golden age of abstract art and the freedom that the 60s, 70’s and 80s gave us, where diversity and immediacy was relished as fresh and exciting.
Bringing the whole of Jen to my work is not easy. People say “huh, what are you doing Jen? I thought you were a artist, but you seem to be writing/vlogging/making/sculpting”. People look at your current work and say things like “hmmm, I really liked your pier paintings” or “I really liked the work you did on TV” which basically means, “I don’t really like your current work and I would buy something if you hadn’t changed – can I have a pier please”. Perhaps as a response to these sort of remarks I should say “Would you like a piece of toast on your wall instead?” hahaha, but often the need to please others and pay the mortgage kicks in and moderates what I do and produce. The internal voice saying “why are you making this?” and “Jen, no-one will buy this” and “Jen this isn’t 1950 and you are not Andy Warhol” and “you could be doing something else that will sell” and “what is the point of doing this, except self absorption and self gratification?” Ouch.
The last few years, the onset of menopause, increased caring responsibilities and probably a little long-Covid, has left me exhausted – I need a long term strategy to keep energy flowing. So on top of some obvious changes around diet, exercise, self-care and self compassion, I am now starting to reclaim the bits of me that I deliberately ignored, almost severed from me. There will be toast, there will be sculptures made of Barbie dolls, vlogging, writing and lots of interesting paintings too!