As a young woman, I remember feeling eager to grasp everything life placed within reach—love, opportunities, experiences. Yet alongside that excitement, small seeds of self-doubt were already taking root. Over time they grew into unwelcome beliefs, stealing nourishment from a still-fragile sense of self. These “cabbages” as they have become to be known, demanded increasing attention as I entered adulthood. They needed to be held, always, for fear they would split open, scatter their seeds, and multiply. The story behind why my self-doubt and persistent imposter syndrome are called “my cabbages” is a little personal. I didn’t choose the name – others did, but it has clung to me for years.

As I started to age, I felt supported and loved, yet new pressures emerged. Competing forces tugged at me from every direction, each wanting a piece of me, each threatening my balance. Now I find myself containing and holding everything in—my feelings, my ideas, my intuition, even my instincts. The cabbages, now fully grown and numerous, still require holding. There is no space to loosen my grip, not in a world that often dismisses and diminishes aging women. Everything must be held tight, kept inside.

A connection formed in my mind when recalling the children’s TV show ‘Crackerjack’, where contestants had to clutch armfuls of ridiculous items, cabbages included. That’s what life has felt like for as long as I can remember—and that slightly odd image became the starting point for the research in this body of work.

This body of work explores:

• managing my creativity and ideas, especially as a woman, mother and carer
• the difficulties of holding on, versus letting go
• fear of holding onto the ‘wrong’ things
• embracing complexity and chaos
• managing ongoing feelings of self-doubt

I have found the work of Phoebe Anna Traquir, Firelei Baez and Emma Talbot informative and inspirational for this body of work.